my sentiments

Seeing friends around me planning to fly overseas for holiday really rub salt on my wound.

I was the one out of everyone around me that anticipates the coming holiday most. Because sometime ago a couple of my secondary school friends actually planned to fly overseas together for a holiday.

I was overjoyed, way beyond it. I thought that its gonna happen, i felt the promise is genuine, and i really, really looked forward for that day to come.

As holiday gets nearer and nearer, seeing how no one is taking initiative, i decided to get the ball rolling.

I sms/msn/call them. to remind them of it, i thought they have forgotten, but thank god they didnt, it gives me renewed hope. i asked one of them to help me to compare his schedule with another friend, and let me know when will they be free, because both of them are always so busy so i thought the rest of us should accommodate them.

I asked him to let me know by mid of feb, and he told me "ok", i thought, "yea at least i started something, plan's going smoothly".

Come mid of feb, the respond didnt come, so i decide once again to ask again, i was given an "ok" again, and again, i was never given a respond.

I dont like to press people too much because i feel that if i do, the person whom im pressing will be forced to do things against his/her will, i do occasionally remind them but sometimes once it has passed the treshold then you got to give up. because if i have to continue urging everyone to do things, i wont feel that they are genuinely willing to participate and to me, thats very important because ultimately i want everyone to be happy.

so i put faith in my friends, i do the best thing i can do, wait.

i was disheartened, yea. but i never give up, i clinged on to the tiny ray of hope, hoping that they may start something because afterall, if they had cared as much as i do, they will start something soon.

sadly, the day never arrive.

i have given up all hopes on this trip, and im feeling worse than just "heartbroken", im feeling disappointed, sad.

because i do not know why did it end up this way, sometimes i really feel its me, that im really not a good motivator or what. i really dont know, how everyone started so enthusiastic and end up only i alone trying to make things happen. the transition from hope/belief to despair is a feeling far beyond i can comprehend.

i really needed help, i cant do this alone, i hardly go overseas thus i know nuts about all the flights and accommodations, i really cant do that alone that is why i needed everyone to help.

but my friend, its really too late , as we know that one of us is gonna repeat 1 more sem in poly, if we want to go for holiday we got to go at the period of mid march to early april (and that is why i wanted to sort it out early), and looking at the calender now. its really too late to make it happen.

people tell me that they are busy, but surely if you guys want it to happen, you guys could have.. you know, do something, and seeing how you guys can make time for other group of friends really further the pain. i admit im being jealous on this.

its really sad, because one thing is that i really treasure the friendship and going overseas with you guys is really one of the thing im looking most forward to. on top of that we are all walking into the path of becoming adult, and we all know how its gonna be like, we wont have time for holiday next time, that is why it makes this more so important.

and that is why, it hurts so much more.

im not pointing the finger at anyone here, no one should be blamed in this, or perhaps everyone should bear some blame, i dont know, not that it is important now. i've talked to my good friends about this, and as yc pointed out theres really nothing you can do about this, its the truth and truth often hurts isnt it.

im just writing this to convey my feelings to you guys, and do really think hard before saying such things next time, because for all you know those talks may mean a lot to some other people.

i do not want any respond from this, i do not need them, this post is merely to voice myself out because it has been kept inside me for quite some time already and i really need to let it out.

sorry, and thanks

mingde